The love, it was so strong. How can I possibly describe this love? It is a force of nature. It is great, like the dust bowl but wonderful instead of terrible.
The pride this man feels for his son, to graduate from Harvard Medical School, a doctor. The pride, this father’s. The love, this father’s. For his son. It is completely overpowering.
Never in my life have I felt anything like it.
Of course I know fathers love their sons. I have seen movies. I have watched TV.
I get it.
But until this moment, I have not felt it. And now, I have. And it is not even mine. It leaked out of somebody else and stained me. It was not intended for me. It is not mine. And yet, I felt it. There was so much of it, so much love, so much adoration, so much of everything that is fine and good and wonderful and right with the world inside this man that he could not contain it.
The grief I feel is crushing and as we leave the room, I follow him because my legs are shaking and I know if he were to look at me he would ask, Are you okay? and I am not. I am not okay.
Because I can feel what it is I did not have.
I never felt it before.
How can you really miss something when you’ve never experienced it? The longing is purely academic. It’s book knowledge.
But tonight, I felt it. I felt it, I felt it, I felt it.
And God, what? What would I give to feel it just once, all for me?
Me:Hi, I'd like to make an appointment with Dr. Pixelated for my daughter. She's going into preschool and I just need a quick form filled out.
Kaiser rep:So she's had the physical exam already?
Me:Yes, just yesterday. They told me today there is a form, so I just need this form filled out. It will take the doctor five minutes, tops.
Kaiser rep:Well she doesn't even need to see Dr. Pixelated at all, you can just take the form to the insurance department, and they will forward it to Dr. Pixelated, and then Dr. Pixelated will forward it to the school. (At this point she sounds as if she is describing an amazing adventure we are going to go on, together! A journey into a wonderland of terrific!)
Me:But the insurance department is in Woodland Hills, which is very out-of-the-way for me. Simply getting from the parking lot into the bowels of the hospital to reach the insurance department would take longer than it will take Dr. Pixelated to complete this form, and that's not even including waiting in LINE once I've actually reached the insurance department. Dr. Pixelated is just down the street. I speculate it will take, on average, 30 cumulative minutes to get this piece of paper signed, factoring in drive time and waiting room time. Your scenario sounds like it will take - longer than 30 minutes, by several weeks.
Kaiser rep:*pause pause* I'll tell you what, the insurance department is closed right now, but let me give you their number and you can call them on Monday morning at 9, and perhaps they have a closer insurance department. (They don't. She knows this, and I know this, but she doesn't know I know this. So I write down the number, and thank her for her time, and will call back and make an appointment for my daughter, pretending this form doesn't even exist, what form? and then I will whip it out once I am face-to-face with the elusive Dr. Pixelated, who I just saw yesterday, when I didn't know there was a form. And then I blog it, to get all the excess GAAAAHHH!!! out.)
Accidentally clicked the Share on Tumblr bookmarklet, while I was on Tumblr, thereby almost sharing Tumblr with Tumblr. This close to tearing a hole in the universe but I stopped just in time, YOU’RE WELCOME.